Springs Eternal

My final Amazon textbook just arrived a few days ago.  Now I just have 1 to pick up on campus when I go for Orientation next week.
On the job side, I have an interview in a couple of days so I'm jazzed about that.  If it works out, it will do wonders for me mentally.  Stagnating at home is not good for the writing process.  I need to interact with adults and breathe the questionable city air.  Not that I don't love being with the kids, but there is only so much Veggie Tales I can take before I wanna grab them all and roast them with a big hunk of beef.  The veggies, not the kids (obviously).
I am working on several things at once, as usual.  I am working on a short novel that I hope a romance publisher will be interested in, as well as knocking around thesis ideas, my own personal writing, reading my textbooks and daydreaming of a house with a yard so I can send the kids outside to play in the sunshine (while it lasts).
The news about the interview raised my spirits a lot.  The fact that someone actually thinks I am worth a look beyond my resume is so gratifying after so many months of nothingness or at least, nothing worth talking about.  And the lady I spoke to was so nice that I felt more at ease than I have on other interviews where I felt like I was being cross-examined for not having the ideal 5-10 years of solid work history.  I really have to remember to tell my former employers not to allow their businesses to be pushed down by hurricanes so that I don't look so flaky on my CV.  
If I get this job, not only will I be able to start saving a few bucks every month, I will be able to spring for the long awaited new wardrobe.  I can't remember the last time I bought a pair of sneakers or a pair of dangly earrings.  I've been scrimping so long, I am starved of some of the girly foolishness that women my age typically enjoy.  It would be freakin' awesome to get my girly groove back!  Wish me luck!

My heart is broken... really

I got a locket from my M-I-L two years ago and I loved it.  For so many reasons.  I was preggers with my baby girl and feeling really depressed and missing my late mom.  When I saw the locket in the store, it tugged at my heart so much that I nearly started bawling right there.  The inside inscription was "Always in my Heart".  It's pretty close to the last words as said to Mom as she lay in the hospital dying.  I don't even know if she heard the words by then, but I hope she did because there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her and regret that my children won't get to know her.  Anyway, I put a pic of her on one side of the locket and one of me and my fam in the other.  I wore it every time I went out.  The kids like to tug on it, esp. the baby, who tries to suck on it.  Well since it was costume, the metal started corroding and when I opened it a few days ago, the hinge broke and the two halves of my heart broke loose.  I guess its a metaphor for what's going on inside me. 
Someone I love dearly is battling a severe illness.  I went to see her and it hurt so badly to see such a strong women so diminished.  She can no longer care for herself and I don't even know if she knows who I am.  I hold her hand and tell her to fight.  I tell her not to give up.  I tell her that I love her and I'm praying for her.  I battle with the fear that yet again I will face the loss of someone I care about.  I don't want to go through the agonizingly slow goodbye.  I don't want the goodbye at all.  I want her to get better and be able to hold my kids again.  I want to hear her voice again, even if it's only to complain about something.  Seeing her like this makes me grieve for those that I lost before, and fear for her future.  I hate feeling helpless.
I hope that no matter how things go, she somehow knows that she matters to me. 

Focus

I've been away for a while, trying to get things sorted out.  Got my financial aid (hallelujah) and got over my cold (hoorah).  I have all but 2 of my textbooks already, thanks to the stellar pricing at Amazon.com.  One's in the mail and the other is a rented textbook that I can pick up on campus.  I should have started reading already but its been pretty hectic around here lately.  And to be honest, I've been totally unfocused.  It shows in my work. I've been jumping from piece to piece for nearly 2 weeks, instead of working on finishing one.  I won't have the luxury in grad school of fits and starts so I need to get serious. 
Sigh... part of it is extreme fatigue.  I've been battling insomnia for several weeks now.  I just need a few nights of decent sleep to get back on track.  Hopefully now that its not 100 degrees for days on end and I'm not sick, I can start sleeping normally again. 
Also dealing with personal stresses that I am working towards exorcising from my brain soon, God willing.

Right now, the writing's the thing... (sorry Shakespeare).