Springs Eternal

My final Amazon textbook just arrived a few days ago.  Now I just have 1 to pick up on campus when I go for Orientation next week.
On the job side, I have an interview in a couple of days so I'm jazzed about that.  If it works out, it will do wonders for me mentally.  Stagnating at home is not good for the writing process.  I need to interact with adults and breathe the questionable city air.  Not that I don't love being with the kids, but there is only so much Veggie Tales I can take before I wanna grab them all and roast them with a big hunk of beef.  The veggies, not the kids (obviously).
I am working on several things at once, as usual.  I am working on a short novel that I hope a romance publisher will be interested in, as well as knocking around thesis ideas, my own personal writing, reading my textbooks and daydreaming of a house with a yard so I can send the kids outside to play in the sunshine (while it lasts).
The news about the interview raised my spirits a lot.  The fact that someone actually thinks I am worth a look beyond my resume is so gratifying after so many months of nothingness or at least, nothing worth talking about.  And the lady I spoke to was so nice that I felt more at ease than I have on other interviews where I felt like I was being cross-examined for not having the ideal 5-10 years of solid work history.  I really have to remember to tell my former employers not to allow their businesses to be pushed down by hurricanes so that I don't look so flaky on my CV.  
If I get this job, not only will I be able to start saving a few bucks every month, I will be able to spring for the long awaited new wardrobe.  I can't remember the last time I bought a pair of sneakers or a pair of dangly earrings.  I've been scrimping so long, I am starved of some of the girly foolishness that women my age typically enjoy.  It would be freakin' awesome to get my girly groove back!  Wish me luck!

My heart is broken... really

I got a locket from my M-I-L two years ago and I loved it.  For so many reasons.  I was preggers with my baby girl and feeling really depressed and missing my late mom.  When I saw the locket in the store, it tugged at my heart so much that I nearly started bawling right there.  The inside inscription was "Always in my Heart".  It's pretty close to the last words as said to Mom as she lay in the hospital dying.  I don't even know if she heard the words by then, but I hope she did because there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her and regret that my children won't get to know her.  Anyway, I put a pic of her on one side of the locket and one of me and my fam in the other.  I wore it every time I went out.  The kids like to tug on it, esp. the baby, who tries to suck on it.  Well since it was costume, the metal started corroding and when I opened it a few days ago, the hinge broke and the two halves of my heart broke loose.  I guess its a metaphor for what's going on inside me. 
Someone I love dearly is battling a severe illness.  I went to see her and it hurt so badly to see such a strong women so diminished.  She can no longer care for herself and I don't even know if she knows who I am.  I hold her hand and tell her to fight.  I tell her not to give up.  I tell her that I love her and I'm praying for her.  I battle with the fear that yet again I will face the loss of someone I care about.  I don't want to go through the agonizingly slow goodbye.  I don't want the goodbye at all.  I want her to get better and be able to hold my kids again.  I want to hear her voice again, even if it's only to complain about something.  Seeing her like this makes me grieve for those that I lost before, and fear for her future.  I hate feeling helpless.
I hope that no matter how things go, she somehow knows that she matters to me. 

Focus

I've been away for a while, trying to get things sorted out.  Got my financial aid (hallelujah) and got over my cold (hoorah).  I have all but 2 of my textbooks already, thanks to the stellar pricing at Amazon.com.  One's in the mail and the other is a rented textbook that I can pick up on campus.  I should have started reading already but its been pretty hectic around here lately.  And to be honest, I've been totally unfocused.  It shows in my work. I've been jumping from piece to piece for nearly 2 weeks, instead of working on finishing one.  I won't have the luxury in grad school of fits and starts so I need to get serious. 
Sigh... part of it is extreme fatigue.  I've been battling insomnia for several weeks now.  I just need a few nights of decent sleep to get back on track.  Hopefully now that its not 100 degrees for days on end and I'm not sick, I can start sleeping normally again. 
Also dealing with personal stresses that I am working towards exorcising from my brain soon, God willing.

Right now, the writing's the thing... (sorry Shakespeare).

What a Weekend! : D

Took the weekend off from reading to spend w/ the family.   : )
Saturday afternoon, I got my acceptance letter in the mail!   WOOOOOT!   I am so relieved and so grateful. : )
I am sure that there is supposed to be some kind of welcome packet that comes as well so I am stalking the mailman for that, as I cannot login to register for class w/o all that information.   Hubby is happy for me, but I know its gonna be a huge sacrifice for us all, especially on him because he'll have to manage the kids for a few hours each night while I am at class.  I think I will have to use this month to get that integrated into the kids' schedule so that by the time I am gone, it will be second nature for everyone.  
It's almost 12:30pm, where is that mailman?  Its not 100 degrees anymore so there is no reason not to be out and about already.  Geez, doesn't he know my life is in that pouch of his?  lol.
Also, my little girl is walking now.  She just up and decided to.  Its so cute bc its like a straight leg arms out zombie stroll.  haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  I'm just bursting w/ Mummy pride! : )
So truly a good weekend for me.  And the booklist for my classes are up so I can stop reading Chekov and start reading Aristotle.  Happy happy joy joy.

#10 - The Shades, a Phantasy

By Korlenko.

This one was very unlike the others I've read so far.  It doesn't deal with Russian life at all.  Its about the last days of Socrates' life and his journey in the Underworld.   Of course this is all a dream of his follower, Ctesippus, but its thought-provoking nonetheless. 
Parts of it remind me of the Book of Job in the Old Testament.  Where he questions God and gets an answer of epic proportions.   And it also reminds of the saying "If you meet Buddha in the road, kill him" (I could be paraphrasing).  
Socrates has the cajones to be dead and in front of the Olympians and still question their morality and divinity.  He sees Truth as his ultimate goal, judge and deity.   He doesn't let the magnificence of Zeus and his lightning and his rage veer him away from what he feels to be the righteous path.  And by standing firm, he essentially unmakes the Olympians (or at least sends them away) and his glorified in the Truth, personified by the coming of the dawn. His fellow shade, Elpidias, is still willing to cling to what he is comfortable with.  I wonder how many of us form our beliefs based on habit rather than the truth we feel within us?  Ah... deep thoughts....
I am sure someone out there can analyze this more sensibly than I, but its almost 4am and I haven't slept yet and my nose is running.  I'm going to bed now.  I'll resume in a few hours.

#9 - How a Muzhik Fed Two Officials

By Saltykov.


I won't lie. I had to look up muzhik.

Mujik or muzhik refers to a Russian peasant, usually from pre-1917 Imperial Russia. The term connotes a certain degree of poverty, as most mujiks were serfs before the 1861 agricultural reforms. After that date, serfs were given parcels of land to work, and became free peasants. [thx Wikipedia]

The actual story was quite funny.  Its poking fun at pompous bureaucrats and their narrow-minded focus on their area of work and inability to see beyond it, even for their own survival.  No one seems to realize that without their offices and pensions and fancy titles, on the island they were on equal footing with the peasant.  Actually, lesser footing as he could fend for himself and they could not.   I guess they are so entrenched in their roles that it doesn't even come up.  I guess its like being caged so long that even when the door is opened, you don't try to escape. 

At least no one died in this one. : )

#8 - God Sees the Truth, But Waits

By Tolstoy.  Wow, someone dies again.  Man, this is getting depressing. 
It's a lot like "The Shawshank Redemption" in that the guy is innocent but convicted, no one believes his innocence, the murderer is found and someone tries to dig a tunnel out.  Unfortunately, there was no happy escape for the innocent man, Ivan, at least not physically.  After making peace with the real killer, he was mentally free of his shackles and all the anger associated with losing his family, livelihood and freedom.  Maybe that was enough for him, but I would be more inclined to choke the guy after 20+ years of misery!

I really need to sleep..........................

#7 - The Christmas Tree and the Wedding

This one is by Dostoyevsky (did I spell that right?  I hope so!).  I rather liked it.  For once, no one died! : )

#6 - The District Doctor

The Russian short stories continue.  This one (by Turgenev) was too short and honestly, for me it was just okay.  Maybe I'm just sucking at reading between the lines.

Why does it seem like most Russian short stories end in death for one of the main characters?  Hmmm....

My head still hurts though not as much but I now I also have a stuffy nose.  But I can't sleep so I may as well read.

Personal Day...

My head is aching so badly that it feels like its going to drop off at any moment.  So I am taking a personal day off from reading and writing until I feel better.  Ciao for now.  : )

#5 - The Cloak

Just finished another Russian short story, this time by Gogol.  I liked this one alot too.  It wasn't funny, like "Queen of Spades", but it had a somewhat similar plot.
I felt some of Akaky's frustration as I've spent alot of time being ignored and made fun of in school.  I've had moments when my clothes were not up to the latest fashion or my shoes were a little worn.  I was geeky and a bit pudgy and awkward.  I haven't outgrown any of those traits, but I think geeks are a little more trendy these days, right?  Now I proudly wear the thick dorky glasses that I would have run away from 15 years ago.  : )    I know the struggle to save up for something special and then have that thing broken or stolen or worse, to have no one notice.  It sucks to feel invisible or simply there to amuse the masses.   I like that he had his happy ending, to a degree, although I would have kept haunting the 'prominent personage' long after stealing his coat.  haha.
Should I read another Russian story or move on to something else?  Hmmmmm.....

#4 - Queen of Spades

This is a short story by Pushkin, in case you didn't know.  Read it a few hours after "Candide" because I needed some light reading before bedtime.

I loved this one.  Short, funny, karmic, awesome.  I am going to make a part of Hermann's quote my new Hotmail signature... "I am not in the position to sacrifice the necessary in the hope of winning the superfluous."  I'll have to remember that the next time I see the Powerball jackpot rising.  Haha.  


I think I'll do a few more Russian short stories today... thank goodness for Project Gutenberg so that I can get all these classics in ebook format and for free since they are in the public domain. 

#3 - Candide

To be candid (pun intended), I wasn't as thrilled about "Candide" as I thought I would be.  Overall its not a bad... as a whole its really good... but it just went on such a long and convoluted ride that by the end I was exhausted and a bit bewildered.  Maybe I am just too dumb to appreciate the subtleties of satire.  I know people LOVE it.  But for me, I just kinda liked it. 

To relax my weary brain, I'm going to do some Russian short stories.  : )

#2 - The Call of the Wild

When Hubby looked over my shoulder at what I was reading, he scoffed at me.  He couldn't believe I never read "The Call of the Wild" before.  Apparently he read it when he was 12 or 13.   Anyway, I still have one up on him as he's never gotten through the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, except on film which isn't nearly the same thing.
I thought I would be desperately bored reading this book as I was watching Benji movies as a kid.  Boy, was I wrong.  I was caught up in the story from beginning to end.  I LOVE authors that take care to give us rich details.  I could see poor Buck huddled in the snow trying to stay warm, battling fatigue, hunger and Spitz' ire. 

I am not sure what book to choose next.  I think I will tackle "Candide".   We'll see how that goes. : )

What's next?

I was supposed to choose another book right after "A Doll's House" but I got sidetracked by mom-stuff and fatigue.  I'll have to choose something today and if I am lucky, I can have an early night and do some reading. 

Drum roll please........................

"The Call of the Wild" by Jack London.

I'll post later on how it goes.  : )

#1 - A Doll's House

I am surprised that I haven't read this play before now.  I read Hedda Gabler in undergrad Lit. class and enjoyed it immensely.  I picked "A Doll's House" it first because it's short and I didn't want to become discouraged by choosing a long novel and getting bogged down.  Even though it's short, it's thought-provoking and hours after reading it, I am still mulling it over.  For me, growing up in a small town was very much like being in the Victorian era sometimes.  People conformed to the norms outwardly and inwardly worked desperately to keep their secrets hidden.  I must say that I was shocked that Nora left.  I expected her to kill herself or just stay with Torvald in her doll-like existence.  It's awesome that she stood up for herself and was brave enough in that era to demand the kind of life and marriage that was due her. 
Anyway, this isn't a book report so I'm not going into an in-depth analysis...
Book 1 completed... on to the next one...

Reading Frenzy

In order to get myself back in the mindset of a writer and a student, I need to do some reading.  But not just any old reading... I need to get into the classics.  I've hundreds of books in my lifetime but over the last few years its been mostly romance, chick-lit, fantasy (HP, etc.) and magazine articles.  So I am going to spend the next 30 days reading books that will wake up my stagnant brain.  Books that are the foundation of great literature and will undoubtedly be topics of discussion in grad school.  Wish me luck. : )

The Waiting/Worrying Game Begins...

The last part of my grad application packet went out today... the final recommendation letter.   My actual application has been there a while now but it wouldn't be processed until the letter arrived so I've been on my recommender's back, trying to get it out in a timely manner.  Now that's done, she can go back to a normal pest-free life again.  : D

I am glad that it's finished but now I will be freaking out over the quality of my personal statement, the sample pieces, the references.  I did my best but these days I get rejected for jobs on a daily basis, so I no longer feel confident about anything.  : (

Hubby says it will be fine and I will try to believe him.  I tell myself that I'm awesome and that I will treat myself to an ice cream cake and a new cell phone if... no... WHEN the acceptance letter comes.  For now, I will be stalking the mailman and obsessively checking my email for something good.

Goodbye Application

Sent out my grad school application today.  A weight off my shoulders for sure.  I hope they love my writing.  I hope they love ME.  I hope they understand how much this means to me and how life changing it will be.  Over the last few years, its been a series of NOs... a giant YES would be most welcome right now. 

On the job front... yeah.. um... total nothingness.  I'm trying not to get depressed about it because I'm not at the point of welfare or panhandling or selling my organs.  But I feel like I have so much to offer and people reject me out of hand because my resume (though formatted beautifully) doesn't have 5-10 solid years of work.  Next time I'll remember to send Life an email and remind it to be kind to me and not throw up obstacles that ruin my work history.  : S

Starting Fresh

I have to get serious about life.  I'm making small strides but its not good enough.  If I'm going to be a successful writer, I have to make time to get my skills to that level.  As it is, I think I have a ways to go.  School doesn't start until late August and in the meantime I need to do my part to work on the parts where I am weakest.   I have to get into student mode quickly.

I started blogging AGAIN in order to put my thoughts into perspective and force myself to work steadily towards my goals.

Wish me luck.